Sunday, March 11, 2012

THE HELP

The Help is a black and white movie about color.

Sound like a Laffy Taffy joke submitted by Jason H. from Omaha Nebraska?

Well it's not. Quit being insensitive.

The Help explores the beginnings of the civil rights movement in America and the beginnings of obesity in the South.

The culprits for keeping the blacks subjugated? Uppity white women and all the time on their hands.

The culprit for childhood obesity - the ratio of crisco to chicken on every dinner plate south of the Mason Dixie Line.

The Help spend most of their time getting bossed around by snippy, high brow white ladies and make the best of it by laughing boisterously at things that aren't funny, an epidemic that has persisted today through Tyler Perry and TNT's House of Payne.

Have things really changed in 50 years?

Hardly.

Basketball teams still have "owners." Sure, the venues have changed from outdoor plantations to indoor hard wood courts, but Blacks still do most of the work, standing or running for 4 quarters worth of basketball while their "owners" sit in box seats, eat caviar and buy and trade "players" like they're nothing more than a commodity.

Sure advances have been made. Now blacks get shipped off to new owners in private jets instead of the hull of a cargo ship. Instead of drinking from separate fountains, most people would give up their first-born to drink out of the same bottle as Lebron James. They're not indentured servants, they're payed for their time with millions of dollars, loads of women, endorsements from Nike, and a parade in their honor if they win the championship instead of a good flogging after a hard days work.

Are whites better than blacks? No.

Are blacks better than whites? Yes.

Basically anything you can think of. Running, Jumping, Blocking Shots, Bustin' Rhymes, Marrying Beyonce, Being Beyonce, Negotiating with Israel and Palestine, Winning the Nobel Peace Prize, and Narrating Penguin Movies.

Blacks have left whites with a sad history of perverse crimes, and a rich future of trapping beavers and water sports. And rightly so.







Wednesday, November 9, 2011

BLADE RUNNER

So there are a lot of questions circulating these days about Blade Runner. Will there be a remake? Will it be as good as the original? Will Harrison Ford be too old and brittle to re-tackle this role and have to hand over the reigns to Shia Lebouf or some other former Disney star or Duff sister?

The answer is, simply: Who cares?

Blade Runner received a 92% on Rotten Tomatoes. That alone should require an SEC investigation. 92%. That's the same percentage Colin Powell gave to the UN affirming that Iraq had WMD's. Coincidentally, those are the same odds that the only way I'll have offspring is by attaching a picture of Leonardo DiCaprio to my sperm donor application and forging a diploma.

Blade Runner takes place in the future, and being from the future and looking back on what Blade Runner was guessing at I can honestly say they got a few thing right and a most things wrong.

Where they succeeded?

Like Madam Cleo, the writer looked into the stars, threw down the cards, and found a housing bubble the size of the BP oil spill.... and then charged you $8.50 for his trouble.

I refer to the toymaker in the movie who lives alone in an apartment building and says, roughly, "This place is empty. Plenty of housing to go around." A housing surplus? In California? Only Nostradamus, Ron Paul, and the Austrian School of Economics could have gotten this one right.

They also predicted that Harrison Ford would still be a crowd-drawing romantic lead in spite of kissing like a robot.

So where did it all go wrong?

Flying cars, robotic lovers, and steam coming out of every vent in America. Sounds like a movie starring a prepubescent and pre-parkinson's Michael J. Fox or a creepy Japanese fetish, and maybe that's what this movie was supposed to be. A sex vacation to Thailand for a bunch of wealthy Toyota execs, or maybe it's just an overrated glimpse into a future that will never exist.

The one thing Rotten Tomatoes got right? There's a 92% chance I'll never listen to their reviews again.


Thursday, November 3, 2011

IN TIME

About 20 minutes into the movie, Justin Timberlake gives out an anguished cry when his mother runs out of time. That same anguished cry was echoed by about 80% of viewers as they watched JT try to act.

Amanda Seyfried's body gives an amazing performance while her hair, face, voice, and head give... up on trying to make this movie watchable.

Not only did the writer run out of time to compose better dialogue, given what we saw in the final cut, the director ran out of time for more takes, the movie ran out of money for special effects, and I ran out of patience.

This movie teaches us the valuable lesson that stereotypes, generalizations, and oversimplification of the complex interplay between government policy, money creation by the Federal Reserve, and the pitfalls of corporatist lobbying and governmental appointments of officials that aren't accountable to the electorate, mean that all corporations are evil and only enrich themselves at the expense of the poor.

I'd just like to thank everyone that made it possible for me to watch this movie. My phone for letting my friend miraculously call me to invite me to see it. Fandango for making sure there were seats available. My car that turned a 25 minute walk into a 3 minute drive. The studio for taking a gamble on such a ridiculous script and putting up the money, hiring the production crew, and paying a marketing team that would eventually convince me to go see it.





Thursday, October 6, 2011

The first Win in Win Win is that somebody let Paul Giamatti act. I feel like 90% of my job interviews would have ended up in the unemployment line if I walked in looking like that. Actually, 90% did so that doesn't say much for the mug I'm sporting either.

The second Win is that Paul's wife is pretty hot in the movie. We also know that they had intercourse at least twice due to the presence of 2 daughters. This proves he could either afford in vitro, which is highly unlikely given his financial woes at the beginning, or it proves that his marriage was, inexplicably, for love. Intercourse supplies the third and silent Win in Win Win.

Win Win teaches us that lying to make money at the expense of an old man's happiness can lead to family drama, getting disbarred, and a state wrestling championship.

Sex offenders will love this movie featuring pre-pubescent teens wrestling with each other in next to nothing, dime sized boy nipples, and a very obedient young man that wont take much convincing to get into your van.




Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Moneyball

Brad Pitt is at his absolute finest… in Snatch. He seriously should have received an honorary degree for that Pikey. He’s also pretty darn good in Moneyball.

Maybe I’m easily taken by movie magic. Maybe I’m a little bit gay (but are you really gay if you can recite from memory every little detail in Brad Pitt’s face?), but the young Bratt Pitt’s lips are, remarkably, present day Brad Pitt’s lips to a T. Maybe it was excellent casting, maybe it was the fact that Jonah Hill’s face makes everyone look like Brad Pitt by comparison, but that was either time travel or there’s a doppelganger on the loose.

Moneyball did for me what no amount of game dogs and hot wings can do. It made me love baseball. Not enough to start a fantasy team, or even enough to even watch a game, actually, but there is something romantic about one man at the plate against one man on the mound and everything on the line. There’s also something very romantic about Brad Pitt’s lips. Have I mentioned that?

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Drive

Spoiler Alert, kind of.

Drive is a movie about a guy who only gives one word answers, but still manages to pull a total babe. He makes up for his lack of charm by stomping peoples heads, stabbing curly haired men in the stomach and driving his car fast when he's kicking ass and slow when he's getting groceries or wooing another man's woman with his silence.

Surprisingly, not that much driving is done, but a lot of kicking ass is done, and done well. It's also surprising that Ryan Gosling stopped a fight on the streets of New York in real life, but in fake life he held a man's head under water 'til he drowned. Kind of a double standard there, guy.

Hot Tub Time Machine


This is the true story of a bunch of buddies who get into a hot tub that turns out to be a time machine. Luckily a very skilled camera crew realizes what is happening and dives head first into the hot tub with their HD cameras and catch up with our playful group of foul-mouthed friends in the early 80's when things were really bumping.


Some of the "buddies" go about trying to change their past so that their future will be more awesome. This is a rare opportunity that a lot of people don't get, but a couple of these guys squander their chance and just go about having sex with girls and looking for pleasure instead of buying the domain name, "google," or warning the citizens about the dangers of fiat currency, the federal reserve, and artificially low interest rates that create a false sense of wealth and lead to speculative investing in normally sound assets such as housing, creating an inevitable collapse of the financial system as markets try to correct themselves from mal-investment.


These guys are pretty funny and clever, but unfortunately, due to the stresses of time travel, they resort to vulgar gross out humor to make each other laugh instead of the clever wit you would hope for out of a group of old pals.