Thursday, October 6, 2011

The first Win in Win Win is that somebody let Paul Giamatti act. I feel like 90% of my job interviews would have ended up in the unemployment line if I walked in looking like that. Actually, 90% did so that doesn't say much for the mug I'm sporting either.

The second Win is that Paul's wife is pretty hot in the movie. We also know that they had intercourse at least twice due to the presence of 2 daughters. This proves he could either afford in vitro, which is highly unlikely given his financial woes at the beginning, or it proves that his marriage was, inexplicably, for love. Intercourse supplies the third and silent Win in Win Win.

Win Win teaches us that lying to make money at the expense of an old man's happiness can lead to family drama, getting disbarred, and a state wrestling championship.

Sex offenders will love this movie featuring pre-pubescent teens wrestling with each other in next to nothing, dime sized boy nipples, and a very obedient young man that wont take much convincing to get into your van.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011


Brad Pitt is at his absolute finest… in Snatch. He seriously should have received an honorary degree for that Pikey. He’s also pretty darn good in Moneyball.

Maybe I’m easily taken by movie magic. Maybe I’m a little bit gay (but are you really gay if you can recite from memory every little detail in Brad Pitt’s face?), but the young Bratt Pitt’s lips are, remarkably, present day Brad Pitt’s lips to a T. Maybe it was excellent casting, maybe it was the fact that Jonah Hill’s face makes everyone look like Brad Pitt by comparison, but that was either time travel or there’s a doppelganger on the loose.

Moneyball did for me what no amount of game dogs and hot wings can do. It made me love baseball. Not enough to start a fantasy team, or even enough to even watch a game, actually, but there is something romantic about one man at the plate against one man on the mound and everything on the line. There’s also something very romantic about Brad Pitt’s lips. Have I mentioned that?

Tuesday, October 4, 2011


Spoiler Alert, kind of.

Drive is a movie about a guy who only gives one word answers, but still manages to pull a total babe. He makes up for his lack of charm by stomping peoples heads, stabbing curly haired men in the stomach and driving his car fast when he's kicking ass and slow when he's getting groceries or wooing another man's woman with his silence.

Surprisingly, not that much driving is done, but a lot of kicking ass is done, and done well. It's also surprising that Ryan Gosling stopped a fight on the streets of New York in real life, but in fake life he held a man's head under water 'til he drowned. Kind of a double standard there, guy.

Hot Tub Time Machine

This is the true story of a bunch of buddies who get into a hot tub that turns out to be a time machine. Luckily a very skilled camera crew realizes what is happening and dives head first into the hot tub with their HD cameras and catch up with our playful group of foul-mouthed friends in the early 80's when things were really bumping.

Some of the "buddies" go about trying to change their past so that their future will be more awesome. This is a rare opportunity that a lot of people don't get, but a couple of these guys squander their chance and just go about having sex with girls and looking for pleasure instead of buying the domain name, "google," or warning the citizens about the dangers of fiat currency, the federal reserve, and artificially low interest rates that create a false sense of wealth and lead to speculative investing in normally sound assets such as housing, creating an inevitable collapse of the financial system as markets try to correct themselves from mal-investment.

These guys are pretty funny and clever, but unfortunately, due to the stresses of time travel, they resort to vulgar gross out humor to make each other laugh instead of the clever wit you would hope for out of a group of old pals.